Establishing Expectations

It’s almost dinner time. You just got home from work, walked in to two whining children, made dinner and put it on plates. The TV is on in the background. You go into the family room and tell your child, “Turn the TV off, it’s time for dinner”. Your child says, “Ok” and you go back to getting dinner ready. You provide more warnings, and each time you become more irritated because no one is listening to you, you’ve had a long day, and your other child is whining. You’ve had enough. You go back into the family room and you lose it. “Shut the TV off and come to the table to eat right now. You just lost the TV for the rest of the week.” Now, on top of your frustration you feel guilty because your child is crying or yelling and you just wanted a nice calm dinner. Also, the TV is not an option for an entire week, which is punishing for your child but also unrealistic for you because now you’ve removed it from your arsenal of options for 30 quiet minutes to make a call, or get dinner ready. 

Sound familiar? 

It happens to everyone. Luckily there are some simple strategies we can use to avoid and diffuse situations where tensions run high. I’ll break down the example above for you. 

1. Know your triggers

   1. Long day

   2. Tired

   3. Hungry

   4. Demands on you: what needs to get done before you can relax

      1. Whining children

      2. Make dinner

      3. Get kids ready for bed

   5. Feeling unheard/taking it personally

2. Know the factors influencing your child’s behavior (Environmental Setting Events)

   1. Tired

   2. Had a full day of school/daycare with expectations to follow

   3. Hungry

3. Extreme Consequences

   1. What would be an appropriate consequence in this situation?

4. How do we change this situation? 

   1. Outline expectations ahead of time

      1. Make it clear and don’t try and do it in the moment

         1. “You can watch tv for 20min before dinner” or one show

         2. “When I say it is time for dinner, you say, ok” 

            1. Honoring appropriate requests for one more minute

            2. Set a timer

   2. When you face resistance

      1. Honor one more minute, one time

      2. Remind him of what is “fun” after dinner

         1. Desert? 

         2. Bath?

         3. A favorite food for dinner?

      3. Follow through with what you said

         1. If you waffle, it creates confusion

   3. When you start to lose your patience

      1. Take a break, step away

      2. If possible, have someone else step in

When in doubt, (if it's safe) take a deep breath and remove yourself from the situation for a minute. You've got this!

Disclaimer: all advice is general and not meant to replace individualized therapy. All thoughts are my own and do not reflect any of my employers.